Christmas character voice scripts

I have been down a great many chimneys. Billions. And I will be honest with you. Some of you have not cleaned yours since the eighties. Flueworthy Chimney Care. Swept, inspected, done in an hour. Flueworthy. Do it for the suit.

Ho ho ho! You hear that laugh? That laugh is ninety percent cookies. A plate at every house, and I finish every one. It's only polite. Ironpine Gym. January memberships, nineteen dollars a month. Ironpine. I start Monday. Mrs. Claus has it in writing.

Dasher, left! Left! The other left! Friends, I visit every house on Earth in one night. And one year, I missed Ohio. All of it. Wayfinch navigation. Live rerouting. Rooftop view. Wayfinch. Ohio, I am so sorry.

[Squinting] I read my list twice. Not to be careful. I just can't see it anymore. Is that Naughty? Or is that Nancy? Squintley's reading glasses. Two pairs for thirty dollars. Squintley's. Sorry, Nancy.

Shh. It is December twenty-sixth. I have been to every house in the world. I am going to bed until March. Driftmoor Mattress. Cool foam. Firm edges. Room for a beard. Driftmoor. Hundred-night trial. I used every one.

[Belly laugh] Friends, I deliver to every house in the world in one night. With reindeer. And no forklift. So believe me when I say this. I will not help you move your couch. I love you. I do. But I have seen your staircase. Call Haulwright Movers. Two trucks. Four strong people. Every box labeled. They wrap the lamp. They find the screws. And they use the front door, like professionals. Haulwright Movers. Free quotes all week. Tell them Santa sent you. They won't believe you. Tell them anyway.

Good evening. I am the world's leading authority on cookies left on a plate. I have had the oatmeal raisin pretending to be chocolate chip. I have had the one the dog got to first. I ate it. I am a professional. And in all my years, only one cookie has made me sit down on a stranger's couch and take a moment. Hearthcrumb. Real butter. Soft in the middle. Baked this morning. Hearthcrumb Cookies. Leave two on the plate. Leave three. It's a long night.

My husband works one night a year. I work the other three hundred and sixty-four. Daybinder. The family planner app. Shared calendars. Reminders. Color coding. Daybinder. He thinks the sleigh packs itself. Bless him.

One red velvet suit. Every chimney in the world. Guess who does the laundry. Suddlewick detergent. It lifts soot, cocoa and reindeer. Don't ask. Suddlewick. Cold wash. Hang dry. He never knew how close it was.

It is four in the morning on December twenty-fourth. The reindeer are arguing. An elf is crying. My husband cannot find the sleigh keys. I am fine. I have Kettlepost Coffee. Kettlepost. Dark roast. Now. Who has the keys?

One warehouse. A toy for every child in the world. And I know where every single one is. Lidmore storage bins. Clear sides. Lids that click. Labels included. Lidmore. A place for everything. Dear, that includes your boots.

People ask, Mrs. Claus, what's your secret? My secret is forty dozen cookies a day and a Whiskby stand mixer. Ten speeds. Steel bowl. It does not get tired. Whiskby. I retired the wooden spoon. It was me or the spoon.

Every year, he says the sleigh is fine. Every year, the sleigh is making a noise. I don't wait for him anymore. I call Gearhaven Auto Care. Oil, brakes, battery, tires. All checked while you wait. They show you the problem before they fix it. They tell you the price before they start. No surprises. I have had enough surprises. I married a man who comes home through the chimney. Gearhaven Auto Care. Winter check, forty-nine dollars. Book it before he says it's fine.

On December twenty-sixth, I leave. I have earned it. I live at the North Pole. It is cold. It is dark. Everything is striped. So every January, I call Palmreach Travel, and I say three words. Somewhere with sand. They book the flights. The hotel. The little boat. All I pack is a hat. He is welcome to come. He never does. He says he burns. Palmreach Travel. January beach packages from six ninety-nine. No snow. No bells. And nobody under four feet tall asking me for tape.

Yes. It glows. No. I don't know why. No. You can't touch it. You want something bright? Buy a flashlight. Beamcroft. Two thousand lumens. Waterproof. Rechargeable. Beamcroft. Brighter than me. Finally. Somebody else's problem.

Forty winters pulling a loaded sleigh. Front of the line. Guess whose back that is. Alderspine Chiropractic. They fixed my neck in two visits. Alderspine. First adjustment, thirty-nine dollars. Santa's not paying. I asked.

Every year, I fly through a blizzard. Face first. Eyes open. And you're scraping your windshield with a spatula. Come on. Clearhoof de-icer spray. Ten seconds. Ice gone. Clearhoof. I don't get a windshield. You do. Use it.

Kid. I appreciate the carrot. I do. But there's a whole team out here. And you left one. Do the math. Greenbarrow grocery delivery. Fresh produce at your door in an hour. Greenbarrow. Get the big bag. Vixen doesn't share.

I have landed on every roof in this town. Yours is the soft one. Yeah. By the chimney. I felt it. Stagline Roofing. Free inspection. Shingles, gutters, flashing. Stagline. Fix it by December. I'm not a small animal.

Folks, this is your lead reindeer speaking. I've been flying since before your pilot was born. No seat. No snack. No roof. Backwards, once. Long story. So when I say Northlark Airlines is a nice way to fly, I know what I'm talking about. Wide seats. Free bags. A warm cookie at takeoff. They gave me a blanket. Nobody ever gave me a blanket. Northlark Airlines. Fares from eighty-nine dollars. And before you ask. Yes. It glows. No. It is not a reading light.

You like sleigh bells? That's nice. Try standing in front of forty of them. For eleven hours. Jingle. Jingle. Jingle. Over the ocean. Jingle. I hear them in my sleep. Then Cupid got me a pair of Quietfell headphones. Noise cancelling. Thirty hours of battery. Soft on the ears. Or in my case, the antlers. I put them on. And for the first time in forty years. Nothing. Beautiful. Quietfell headphones. One forty-nine. Free shipping. What? I can't hear you. That's the point.

Hi! Pip! Quality control! I have tested six hundred toys since breakfast! Breakfast was eleven minutes ago! How? Zoomwick cold brew! Smooth! Strong! Ready to pour! Zoomwick! I haven't blinked since Tuesday! [Calm, normal voice] Also available in decaf. I'm told.

Tape! I use nine miles a day! I have tested them all! This one peels! This one tears crooked! This one stuck to Gary, and we lost the whole afternoon! Gripwick packing tape! Strong! Straight! Quiet! Gripwick! Gary's fine, by the way. Mostly.

Arches! I have them! Tiny ones! And they hurt! Eighteen hours at the bench in pointy shoes with a bell on! Then I got Footwick insoles! Cushioned! Trim to fit! Any shoe! Even pointy! Footwick! [Flat, official] The bell stays. Union rules.

Quality control checklist! Does it spin? Yes! Does it stop? Yes! Does it scare Gary? A little! Approved! The Boltwren twenty-volt cordless drill! Two batteries! Carrying case! Boltwren! Tested by an elf. A very thorough elf. Me. It was me.

Unlimited talk! Good! Because I talk! A lot! My last phone plan gave up in March! Chatterby Mobile! Unlimited talk, text and data! Thirty dollars a month! Chatterby! [Slow, sincere] I have so much to say. [Fast again] And now I can!

Quality control! Pip! Station nine! Today's item is the Nodfield memory foam pillow! Test one! Squish! It bounces back! Test two! Flip it! Cool on both sides! Test three! Head on the pillow! Head is on the pillow! And. Oh. Oh, that's nice. That's very nice. I haven't stopped moving since nineteen ninety. [Yawn] The Nodfield pillow. Thirty-nine dollars. Two for sixty. [Snore] [Bolts awake] Approved! It's approved! Nobody tell Mrs. Claus!

Some assembly required! Three words! I love them! You hate them! I know you hate them, because I have seen your bookshelf! It leans! You had four screws left over! Where do they go? You don't know! I know! Call Allenby Assembly! Furniture! Bikes! Trampolines! The thing with nine hundred pieces and no words in the instructions! Built right, in your home, in under an hour! Allenby Assembly! Flat rate, fifty-nine dollars! [Slow, kind] Put the leftover screws down. It's okay. We've got it from here.

Hello. I check the forecast forty times a day. It isn't a hobby. Cloudberry Weather. Hourly updates. Ten-day outlook. Alerts. Cloudberry. Thursday says fifty-one and sunny. Oh. Well. It's been lovely.

Hello. I'm a snowman. I would like to talk to you about air conditioning. I would like to talk about it very much. Polarbrook Cooling. Installed in one day. Quiet. Efficient. Polarbrook. Please set it to thirty-one. I'll bring my own scarf.

Hello. Do you like my scarf? Thank you. It's the only thing I'm wearing. So it has to be a good one. Burrowby Knits. Soft wool scarves. Twelve colors. Burrowby. I'd buy the mittens too. But. [Looks at his arms] Well. Sticks.

Hello. I've been standing on your lawn since Tuesday. I'm not judging. But I am down here. And it's patchy. Greenmantle Lawn Care. Seeding, feeding, edging. Greenmantle. Book now for spring. I won't be here to see it. But I'll know.

Hello. They've asked me to tell you about Steamhollow Hot Tubs. One hundred and four degrees. Forty jets. Seats six. I'd like to be honest. It sounds terrible. Steamhollow Hot Tubs. You will love it. I'll be over here. Far over here.

Hello. I'll be quick. Well. I'm never quick. But I'll try. I was built on a Saturday. Two children, one dad, forty minutes. Best day of my life. Also the first. And nobody took a picture. So I called Lindenlight Portrait Studio. They came to the yard. They were very patient. They found my good side. It's the side with both buttons. Lindenlight Portrait Studio. Family sessions from seventy-five dollars. Book soon. I hear it's warming up on Friday. I'm sure it's fine.

Hello. I don't eat out very much. Soup is a risk. Cocoa is a risk. I once sat near a pizza oven and lost a button. But there is one place in town where I feel completely safe. Dapplewood Creamery. Thirty-two flavors. Everything kept at a lovely five degrees. They don't rush you. I can sit as long as I like. And I do. I've been here since eleven. Dapplewood Creamery. Two scoops, four dollars. Open all winter. Try the vanilla. I'm told we look alike.

[Low, rumbling growl] I am eleven feet tall. I am covered in fur. All of it tangles. Frostmane conditioner. Deep moisture. No knots. Smells like a pine forest, which is where I live. Frostmane. Um. Thank you for listening.

Everyone thinks the abominable snowman loves the cold. [Small, embarrassed growl] I do not. My feet are freezing. They are also size thirty. The Emberfold heated blanket. Ten settings. Extra, extra, extra large. Emberfold. I am never leaving this cave.

[Low growl, then a shy little cough] Hello. I am tall. I like long walks above the tree line. I have been single for nine hundred years. On Kindlewink, I wrote an honest profile. Six people ran. One stayed. Kindlewink. Her name is Deborah. We are taking it slow.

[Enormous roar] Who dares leave snow on this driveway? Sorry. That was loud. I get excited. Highdrift Snow Removal. Driveways, walkways, roofs. I do not need a ladder. Highdrift. Call before seven. I go to bed early.

For a thousand years, I wore nothing. Not by choice. Nothing fit. [Pleased rumble] Then I found Longridge Big and Tall. Sleeves that reach my wrists. A scarf that goes around twice. Longridge. I have pockets now. I keep snacks in them.

[Low, rumbling growl] Villagers call me abominable. That word hurts. I have feelings. I also have very dry elbows. So once a month, I come down the mountain to Hushpine Day Spa. Hot stone massage. They use boulders. Cucumber on the eyes. They use two whole cucumbers. Nobody screams. Well. One person screamed. She was new. Now I am calm. I am soft. I am, frankly, glowing. Hushpine Day Spa. Gift cards available for the holidays. The robe does not fit me. I wear it anyway.

Welcome to Glimmer Ridge Ski Resort. I will be your instructor. [Gentle growl] Please do not scream. The last class screamed. It set off a small avalanche. Nobody was hurt. I was embarrassed. Glimmer Ridge has forty-two trails, six lifts, and fresh powder every morning. I know. I sleep in it. Lessons for all ages. Hot cocoa in the lodge. I am not allowed in the lodge. I do not fit through the door. Glimmer Ridge. Lift tickets from fifty-nine dollars. I will wave. Please wave back.

Bah! Do you know what it costs to heat a counting house? I do. To the penny. Then my clerk installed a Hearthmiser smart thermostat. My bill went down. Down! I nearly smiled. Hearthmiser. Fine. The clerk may have a second lump of coal.

Six dollars for butter? Six? Bah! I have foreclosed on men for less. Then I walked into Farthing Lane Market. Butter, two ninety-nine. Bread, one fifty. I checked the receipt twice. Farthing Lane Market. I have no complaints. It is deeply upsetting.

Ninety dollars a month. For a telephone. Bah! I do not even like people. Tuppence Mobile. Unlimited talk and text. Fifteen dollars a month. No contract. Fifteen. Hm. Tuppence Mobile. I called my nephew. Do not tell anyone.

I have not slept well in years. Visitors. Do not ask. And a new mattress costs two thousand dollars? Humbug! Bedpost and Quill. Queen mattresses from three ninety-nine. Free delivery. Free. My favorite word. Bedpost and Quill. I slept until nine. Scandalous.

Eighty dollars. For a tree. Humbug! There are trees outside. They are free. I looked. [A long, pained sigh] Fir and Lantern Tree Farm. Any tree, thirty-five dollars. They tie it to the carriage for nothing. For nothing! Fir and Lantern. I bought two. Bah.

Bah! A fee to keep my own money in a bank? A monthly fee? I invented fees! So I marched down to Coinbridge Credit Union to shout at somebody. [Grudging] They were pleasant. I disliked that. Free checking. No monthly fee. No minimum balance. They gave me a pen. I did not have to steal it. I read the fine print. All of it. Twice. There was nothing in it. Nothing! Coinbridge Credit Union. Open an account by December twenty-fourth. I suppose. If you must. Bah.

A Christmas dinner for twelve. I asked the price. I had to sit down. Three hundred dollars? For a bird and some potatoes? Bah! Humbug! I shall eat gruel, as usual. [A pause. Suspicious] Then my nephew mentioned Plum and Platter Catering. Roast turkey. Stuffing. Three sides. Pie. Dinner for twelve, ninety-nine dollars. Delivered hot. Ninety-nine. I did the sums four times. Plum and Platter. Order by December twentieth. I ordered for twelve. I only know three people. I may have to invite the clerk.

[A soft, pleased chuckle] Your pipes froze last night. Solid. Beautiful work. That was me. And then you called Thawright Plumbing. One hour. Fixed. Warm water everywhere. How dull. Thawright Plumbing. Twenty-four hour emergency service. I'll keep them busy.

Good morning. I spent all night on your windshield. Ferns. Feathers. Little swirls. My finest work. And you... sprayed it. With Meltwick De-Icer. Gone in ten seconds. Ten seconds. I'm not hurt. Meltwick. In stores now. See you tomorrow night.

Oh, I do love that corner by your house. A little ice. A little wobble. A little gasp. Delicious. But you bought Gripstone winter tires. And you just... drove. Straight. Calmly. Gripstone. Four tires, free installation. You're no fun at all.

Everyone else is selling you cocoa. Warm socks. Soup. Ugh. Snowdrop Creamery is open all winter. Forty flavors. Peppermint. Gingerbread. Something called brain freeze. Snowdrop Creamery. Finally, someone who understands me. Two scoops. Outside.

I chapped your lips on Monday. Cracked your knuckles Tuesday. Wednesday, I did your elbows. I was having a wonderful week. Then you found Balmwick. Shea butter. All-day moisture. Fits in a pocket. Balmwick. Fine. I still have your ears.

[Silky, close to the mic] Hello. It's me. The draft under your door. The chill on the stairs. The reason you can see your breath in the kitchen. Your furnace is fifteen years old. I adore it. It lets me right in. So please. Whatever you do. Do not call Cinderbrook Heating. Do not book the sixty-nine dollar winter tune-up. Do not ask about same-day service. And do not, under any circumstances, let them change that filter. [Sigh] You're dialing. I can hear you dialing. Cinderbrook Heating. They're very good. I hate them.

I had such plans for you this January. Black ice on Monday. A burst pipe on Wednesday. Something special with your car door on Friday. And then I heard. You booked with Sunward Getaways. Seven nights. A beach. Flights included. From six ninety-nine a person. [Wounded] Eighty degrees. Sand. You'll hate it. You won't hate it. Sunward Getaways. Book by December thirty-first and kids fly free. Go on, then. I'll water your plants. With ice.

[Jaw clack] Attention! I have stood at attention since eighteen ninety-two. I cannot bend. I am made of wood! Bendwillow Yoga. Beginner classes. Heated studio. First week free. Bendwillow. Today, I touched my own knees. Dismissed!

Company, halt! [Jaw clack] Walnuts. Almonds. Pecans. I have cracked ten thousand of them. I have never been offered one. Hazelgrove Mixed Nuts. Already shelled. Lightly salted. Resealable bag. Already shelled. Then what am I for? Hazelgrove. Carry on.

Uniform inspection! [Jaw clack] Collar, crisp! Buttons, gleaming! Trousers, pressed! Excellent! Brassbutton Dry Cleaners. Same-day service. In by nine, out by five. Shirts, two dollars each. This coat is painted on. They cleaned it anyway. Outstanding!

Emergency briefing! [Jaw clack] There is a mouse in the pantry. I have fought mice. With a tiny sword. It did not go well. Call Gatehouse Pest Control. Humane. Thorough. Free inspection. Gatehouse. Let the professionals handle it. I will supervise. From the shelf.

[Jaw clack. A long, slow creak] That noise is my jaw. It is undignified. A soldier does not squeak! Hingewell household oil. One drop. Doors. Drawers. Bicycle chains. Jaws. [A smooth, quiet clack] Silence. Magnificent. Hingewell. Permission to stop squeaking, granted.

[Jaw clack] Recruits! Fall in! This is Drumline Boot Camp, and I am your instructor! You will march! You will lunge! You will do one hundred jumping jacks! I will demonstrate! [A pause] I cannot demonstrate. My arms only go up and down. My knees do not exist. But I will shout encouragement! Loudly! With excellent posture! Drumline Boot Camp. Six a.m. classes, Monday through Friday. First class free. Bring water. Bring a friend who can bend. Dismissed!

[Jaw clack] Halt! Who goes there? [A pause] It was the cat. It is always the cat. I have guarded this mantel for one hundred and thirty years. I have never blinked. I am, however, nine inches tall. That is why this household has installed Watchpost Home Security. Door sensors! Window sensors! A camera at the front step! Alerts sent directly to your telephone! Professional installation, free. Monitoring from twenty-nine dollars a month. Watchpost Home Security. I am being relieved of duty. [Jaw clack] Finally. A nap.

Ha! Fastest cookie alive, coming through! You can't catch me! Zipstride running shoes. Lightweight. Cushioned. Grippy on a floury counter. [Looking over his shoulder] Is that a glass of milk? Who poured that? Zipstride. Gotta go. Gotta go!

Listen. I'm a cookie. I've got a life expectancy of about four minutes. Six if nobody's hungry. Larkmoor Life. Free quote. No exam. Coverage from ten dollars a month. Larkmoor. Because somebody always wants a bite. I've left everything to the gumdrops.

Okay, who did it? Who bit my leg? I had two of these this morning! [Fast, businesslike] Patchwell bandages. Flexible. Waterproof. Stays on through anything. Even icing. Patchwell. Good as new. And still faster than you on one leg.

Hey! You! Hungry? Put me down. Go to Sugarloft Bakery instead. Cinnamon rolls. Fresh bread every morning at seven. Eat them. They're delicious. They can't even run. Sugarloft Bakery. One dozen cookies, twelve dollars. None of them are me. I checked.

I need a ride. There's a baker behind me, and she's got a spatula. Whiskaway Rides. Tap the app. Car in three minutes. Flat fares across town. Here it comes. Oh no. The driver's a fox. Whiskaway. I'll walk. I'll run!

[Fast, nervous] Hi! Hello! They asked me to do the commercial for the new Copperdale convection oven. Me. A cookie. The Copperdale heats up in six minutes. Six! That's fast. That's too fast. Even baking on every rack. So nothing escapes. Great. It has a window. And a little light. So you can watch. [Gulp] And it's self-cleaning, so there's no evidence. The Copperdale convection oven. On sale now for seven ninety-nine, through December twenty-fourth. Is the check ready? Can I go? Why is it preheating?

Fastest delivery in town? You're looking at him. Six inches of pure speed. I outran a baker. I outran a cow. I outran a whole farm, straight out of the oven. Now I run for Thistledown Couriers. Same-day delivery, anywhere in the city. Packages. Documents. Lunch. Real-time tracking, flat rate, nine dollars. [Out of breath] I've never lost a package. I did lose a button. And part of an arm. Dogs. It's fine. Thistledown Couriers. Book online. I'm already on my way.

I am Krampus. For a thousand years, I have come down from the mountain to inspect bedrooms. There are socks. On the floor. Still. Stackwell storage bins. They stack. They have lids. Stackwell. Do not make me give you the look.

You received a sweater. From your grandmother. And you said nothing. NOTHING! Inkberry thank-you cards. Twelve cards, twelve envelopes, four dollars. Write to your grandmother. Krampus is watching. And Krampus has excellent penmanship.

Every December, I hand out coal. Lumps and lumps of coal. Nobody is ever pleased. Then somebody told me about barbecue. Emberhollow Charcoal. Lights fast. Burns even. Wonderful on a burger. Emberhollow. Finally, they say thank you.

Halt! You were about to walk in. With your boots on. Across a clean floor. Mudgate doormats. Thick. Bristly. Nineteen ninety-nine. I have hooves, and even I wipe them. Mudgate. Thank you for your cooperation.

[Deep, rumbling growl] Do you hear that? That is a thousand winters of shouting 'Make your bed, please!' up a staircase. Honeyfir Throat Drops. Honey. Pine. Very soothing. [Softer, almost pleasant, still low] Oh. Oh, that is lovely. Honeyfir.

I am Krampus. Shadow of the mountain. Keeper of the list nobody wants to be on. And I have seen your guest bathroom. The relatives arrive in three days. Three! There is a towel on the floor that has been there since October. Call Tidyhearth Home Cleaning. Kitchens. Bathrooms. Under the beds, where I always look. Two cleaners, three hours, one hundred and forty-nine dollars. Tidyhearth. Book this week, and I will cross you off my list. In pencil.

Nobody asks what Krampus does in January. I will tell you. I sit. On a cold rock. For eleven months. Not this year. Sunpeak Getaways. Seven nights by the sea. Flights, hotel and breakfast included, from six hundred and ninety-nine dollars. I have packed sandals. They do not fit over the hooves, but I have packed them. I will lie on a beach. I will frighten no one. I will say please at the buffet. Sunpeak Getaways. Even the bad cop needs a week off.

Come with me. I will show you a Christmas long ago. Look. There you are. And there is... the haircut. Oh. Oh dear. Lark and Comb Salon. Cuts from thirty dollars. Let us not repeat the past.

I am the Ghost of Christmas Past. Behold. Your first phone. It flipped. It had a little antenna. You loved it. It is still in your kitchen drawer. Ringback Phone Trade-In. Cash for old phones. It is time.

Do you remember this sofa? The brown one. With the flowers. Covered in plastic. You were never allowed to sit on it. Oakenrest Furniture. Sofas you can actually sit on. From four ninety-nine. Oakenrest. Sit down. At last.

I have walked through every Christmas you ever had. Most of them are in a shoebox. In the attic. Slightly damp. Atticlight Photo Scanning. Five hundred photos, sixty dollars. Atticlight. I cannot keep carrying these.

This is your mattress. I remember when it arrived. The Christmas of two thousand and four. I was there. It was already a little lumpy. Drowsewell Mattress. One hundred nights to try it. Free delivery. Drowsewell. Please. It has been a very long time.

I am the Ghost of Christmas Past. I am supposed to show you what you have lost. But I have found it. All of it. It is at Thimbleweed Vintage. The orange lamp from your aunt's hallway. The record player. A telephone with a cord so long you could walk to the kitchen. And the coat. Oh, the coat. You looked wonderful in that coat. Thimbleweed Vintage. Open every day until six. The past is not gone. It is twelve dollars, and it is on a hanger.

Hush. Listen. [Soft, wistful imitation of an old dial-up tone] Do you remember? You wanted to look at one picture. One. You started on Christmas Eve. It finished loading at breakfast. And if anyone picked up the telephone, it was all over. Those days are gone. Swiftbrook Fiber Internet. One gigabit, forty-five dollars a month. No contract. Free installation this December. A whole film, in seconds. The entire family online, at once. Swiftbrook. I miss many things. I do not miss that.

Ho, ho... ho. Hour nine. I am one of Santa's seasonal helpers, and I have been in these boots since ten this morning. Archwell Insoles. Cushioned heel. Arch support. Fits any boot. Archwell. Merry Christmas. I'm going to sit down now.

Ho ho ho! And what would you like for Christmas? [Voice cracks] Me? Oh. Nobody's asked me that today. A large coffee. From Northbean, by the fountain. Two fifty before noon. Northbean. It's what Santa's helper wants.

Merry Christmas. Come on up. That's a sticky hand. That is a very sticky hand. What is that, candy cane? Okay. Clearmitt Hand Sanitizer. Pocket size. Ninety-nine cents. Clearmitt. Ho ho ho. Next.

This suit has seen three hundred hot chocolates today. Two of them were mine. Pressgate Dry Cleaners. Same-day service. Velvet, fur trim, big black belts, whatever you've got. Pressgate. Level two, next to the pretzels. Ho ho. Ho.

Smile. Smile. Look at the camera, buddy. Over here. Four hundred photos today. Somebody blinks in every single one. Usually me. Snapfrost Photo Studio. Unlimited retakes. Prints in ten minutes. Snapfrost. We'll get one. I believe in us.

Hi. I'm one of Santa's seasonal helpers. This is hour nine. Cedar Court Mall is hiring for the holidays. Gift wrappers. Greeters. Somebody to manage the photo line. Please. Sixteen dollars an hour. Flexible shifts. Half off at the food court. You'll hear the same eleven songs four hundred times. You'll find glitter in your ears in March. Then a kid whispers what they're hoping for, and you remember why you came. Cedar Court Mall. Apply at the customer service desk. Ho ho ho. Bring comfortable shoes.

I sit in a chair nine hours a day. People think that's the easy part. It's a throne. It's made of plywood. It was painted gold in nineteen ninety-four. On my break, I walk forty feet to Loungewright Recliners. And I sit in the big one. The one with the footrest. Power recline. Heated seat. A cup holder. Seven ninety-nine, with free delivery before Christmas. I've been in it eleven minutes. I've never been happier. Loungewright. Tell them Santa's helper sent you. Quietly. I'm resting.

Hello! I am a fruitcake. I have been regifted every year since nineteen eighty-seven. Last year, somebody used me to hold a door open. So I looked into it. Wedgewick Doorstops. Solid rubber. Six dollars. Wedgewick. Honestly? They're better at it.

I have lived in thirty-eight homes. I have never once unpacked. So trust me. I know movers. Stoutbridge Movers. Careful. On time. Nothing broken. Not that anything could break me. Stoutbridge. Wherever I end up next, I'll be thrilled.

My profile says: Dense. Sweet. Full of surprises. Available since nineteen eighty-seven. No matches yet. But it's early! Mapleheart. The dating app that finds someone who likes you exactly as you are. Mapleheart. Somebody out there wants a fruitcake.

People say I'm heavy. People say I'm dense. People say I could break a toe. At Ironbrook Fitness, they call that a kettlebell. Ironbrook. Nineteen dollars a month. No judgment. They put me on the rack. I have never felt so useful.

Butterwick Bakery makes cinnamon rolls. Warm ones. And gingerbread. And a chocolate log people line up for. They do not make fruitcake. I asked. They laughed. Kindly! Butterwick Bakery. Open at seven. I'll be outside. Just in case.

Hello from unit forty-two! I am a fruitcake. I was baked in nineteen eighty-seven, and I have been given to eleven different people. Each one said, 'Oh. You shouldn't have.' And they meant it. Now I live at Stowaway Lane Self Storage. And may I say? It's lovely. Climate controlled. Clean. Dry. Open twenty-four hours. Units from twenty-nine dollars a month. I have a shelf. I have a neighbor. He's an exercise bike. We don't talk about it. Stowaway Lane. For the things you can't quite throw away.

For years, I believed what people said about me. Too heavy. Too chewy. 'What are the green bits?' Then I found Brightsteps Coaching. My coach, Dana, asked me one question. 'What do you want?' Nobody had ever asked. I cried a raisin. Six weeks later, I have goals. I have a morning routine. I stand in front of the mirror and say, 'I am a gift.' Brightsteps Coaching. First session free. Online or in person. Brightsteps. I'm still a fruitcake. But now it's a choice.

[Twinkle] Hello, darlings! I am the Sugar Plum Fairy. I live in a kingdom made entirely of candy. So I see my dentist twice a year. Pearlbrook Dental. Cleanings from sixty-nine dollars. Sparkle responsibly.

Oh, you're just looking? How lovely. Everyone is just looking. This one has heated seats, low miles, and one very careful owner. Brambledew Motors. Zero down until January. I have the paperwork right here, sweetheart. Sign where it sparkles.

Everywhere I go, I leave a little sparkle. On the rug. On the sofa. On the dog. It does not come out. I'm told that's a problem. The Plumewick cordless vacuum. One ninety-nine. Plumewick. You're welcome. And I'm sorry.

Welcome to Featherpoint Barre Studio, my little snowflakes! Today we float. We flutter. We glow. [Still sweet, absolutely not joking] And then we hold a plank for two minutes. Featherpoint Barre. First class free. Bring water. You'll need it.

Sweet dreams, everyone! Dream of candy. Dream of snow. Dream of your receipts. All of them. In one folder. By January. Ledgerleaf Tax Prep. Simple returns from eighty-nine dollars. Ledgerleaf. Night night. Keep the receipts.

Hello, my darlings! It's the Sugar Plum Fairy, with a tiny, tiny favor to ask. Join the Sweetmeadow Candy Club. Every month, a box arrives at your door. Peppermint bark. Caramels. Little jellies shaped like stars. It's twelve dollars a month. You can cancel any time. Nobody ever has. Isn't that sweet? [Breathy, bright, and not blinking] Order by December fifteenth and your first box is free. I'd hate for you to miss it. I really would. Sweetmeadow Candy Club. Say yes, darling. It's so much easier.

Look outside. Do you see it? The first snowfall, soft as sugar, drifting over the rooftops. It's beautiful. It's magical. It is also extremely slippery. Frostgrip Tire Center has four winter tires, fitted and balanced, for three hundred and ninety-nine dollars. That's this week only, darlings. Not next week. This week. Free brake check. Free hot cocoa while you wait. Open Saturdays until five. I dance on my toes for a living. I know a thing or two about grip. Frostgrip Tire Center. Mwah. Book the appointment.