VO Journey Academy
Free practice scripts · avosjourney.com/scripts

Comedy duet & multi-cast scripts

30 practice scripts from VO Journey Academy. Free to record, free to use in your reel. Download the PDF to mark up in the booth, or print it straight from here.

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Ejection Issue

Sketch, customer service · Adult (25-40) · Neutral American · 1 minute

Cast: DREWPAT

A customer support call. PAT, whose toaster has just launched breakfast across the kitchen. DREW, a support agent who reads from the script with total serenity

DREWThank you for calling Brightloaf Appliances, this is Drew. How can I help today?
PATMy toaster is attacking me.
DREWI'm sorry to hear that. Can I take the model number?
PATIt's on the bottom. I'm not turning it over. It's watching me.
DREWToasters don't have eyes.
PATThis one has intent.
DREWCan you describe the problem?
PATI put in a bagel. It went up. It did not come down. Half of it's in the light fitting.
DREWAnd the other half?
PATThrough the cat flap. The cat hasn't come back.
DREWI'm going to log that as an "ejection issue."
PATThere's a box for "ejection issue"?
DREWThere is. It's quite a popular box.
PATWhat?
DREWHave you tried turning it off and on again?
PATOff, yes. On? No. I'm not an idiot.
DREWI'll need you to try it. For the form.
PATIf I die, I want that on the form.
DREWI'll add a note. Go ahead.

SFX: a click, then a loud metallic twang

PAT...It's gone.
DREWThe toaster?
PATThe light fitting.
DREWGood news. You're still under warranty.

Sixty-Eight Degrees

Sitcom, old couple · Mature (55+) · Neutral American · 1 minute

Cast: BARBGENE

A living room, 6 a.m. BARB, 74, and GENE, 77, married fifty-one years. The thermostat is on the wall between them

BARBTouch it and die.
GENEI didn't touch it.
BARBYour hand is on it, Eugene.
GENEMy hand is resting near it. I'm allowed to rest.
BARBIt says sixty-four. I left it at seventy.
GENEIt must have drifted.
BARBSix degrees? What is it, a canoe?
GENEBarbara, it's a sauna in here. The plants are sweating.
BARBPlants don't sweat.
GENEThe fern is sweating. I saw a drop.
BARBThat's because you watered it with your coffee.
GENEThat was one time.
BARBThat was yesterday.
GENE...The fern needed a boost.
BARBFifty-one years, and every morning I wake up in a meat locker.
GENEYou know what's cheaper than heat? A sweater.
BARBYou know what's cheaper than a divorce lawyer? Leaving the thermostat alone.
GENEIs that a threat?
BARBIt's a budget.
GENESixty-six.
BARBSixty-nine.
GENESixty-eight, and I make the pancakes.
BARBBlueberry?
GENEBlueberry.
BARB...Sixty-eight. But if that fern dies, I'm telling the kids it was you.

Fire Drill

Sitcom, workplace · Adult (25-40) · Neutral American · 1 minute

Cast: TANYAKEVIN

An office car park during a fire drill. TANYA, 34, fire warden, in a hi-vis vest with a clipboard. KEVIN, 28, who has come out holding his lunch, his laptop and a small potted cactus

TANYAName?
KEVINKevin. You know my name. We sit next to each other.
TANYAI have to ask. It's procedure. What's that?
KEVINThat's Gerald.
TANYAYou rescued a cactus.
KEVINYou said evacuate. I evacuated. Gerald is part of the team.
TANYAThe instructions say leave all belongings.
KEVINHe's not a belonging. He's a colleague.
TANYAAnd the lasagne?
KEVINThat's a belonging. But it was already warm.
TANYAKevin, in a real fire you'd have died carrying a cactus and a lasagne.
KEVINI'd have died with dignity. And lunch.
TANYAHow long did it take you to get out?
KEVINAbout eleven minutes.
TANYAEleven minutes?
KEVINI had to find a bag for the lasagne. You can't carry an open lasagne down nine flights of stairs, Tanya. It's not safe.
TANYABut the fire's safe.
KEVINThere was no fire. You told us on Monday. You sent a calendar invite.
TANYA...That's to encourage compliance.
KEVINYou accepted your own invite.
TANYAGerald is being written up.

Thumb

Sitcom, siblings · Young adult (18-25) · Neutral American · 1 minute

Cast: ZOEMILO

A kitchen at midnight. ZOE, 19, home from college, and her brother MILO, 18. A message meant for each other has just gone to the family group chat, which includes their mom

ZOEDid you send it?
MILOI thought you were the group chat. Your name's right above it.
ZOEYou sent "Mom's new boyfriend looks like a thumb" to Mom.
MILOAnd Grandma. And Uncle Rick.
ZOEUncle Rick's already seen it.
MILOUncle Rick sees everything and says nothing. Uncle Rick is a thumb.
ZOECan you unsend it?
MILOIt's been four minutes. The window's two.
ZOEWhy do you know that?
MILOI have made mistakes, Zoe.
ZOEOkay. Damage control. We say it was autocorrect.
MILOAutocorrect for what? What word turns into "thumb"?
ZOE"Thug"?
MILOThat's worse! Now he's a thug!
ZOEFine. We say you got hacked.
MILOWhy would a hacker care what Dennis looks like?

SFX: a phone buzzes

ZOEShe's typing.
MILOShe's typing a lot.
ZOEShe stopped.
MILOShe started again.
ZOE...She sent a photo.
MILOOf what?
ZOEDennis. Doing a thumbs-up. Right next to his face. With a question mark.
MILOOh no.
ZOEHe's got a sense of humour.
MILOThat's so much worse. Now we have to like him.

Unexpected Item

Sketch · Adult (30-45) · Neutral British · 1 minute

Cast: SUPERVISORSHOPPER

A supermarket self-checkout. A SHOPPER holding a single banana. A SUPERVISOR, summoned for the fourth time in two minutes

SUPERVISORWhat's it saying now?
SHOPPER"Unexpected item in bagging area."
SUPERVISORWhat's in the bagging area?
SHOPPERNothing. That's the point. It's expecting something, there's nothing there, and it's upset about it.
SUPERVISORDid you scan the banana?
SHOPPERI scanned the banana. It asked if I had my own bag. I said yes. It didn't believe me.
SUPERVISORHave you got your own bag?
SHOPPER...Not as such.
SUPERVISORSo you lied to the machine.
SHOPPERI didn't think it would check!
SUPERVISORIt always checks. It's got a scale. It knows the weight of everything. It knows the weight of your soul.
SHOPPERIt's one banana. It's forty pence.
SUPERVISORIt's thirty-eight. It rounds up if you're rude to it.
SHOPPERI haven't been rude to it!
SUPERVISORYou called it "mate." In a tone. I heard you from the bakery.
SHOPPERCan't you just override it?
SUPERVISORI can. I need you to do something first.
SHOPPERWhat?
SUPERVISORApologise.
SHOPPERTo the machine?
SUPERVISORIt's been a long week for all of us.
SHOPPER...Sorry.

SFX: a cheerful beep

SUPERVISORThere. It was never about the banana.

Did You Eat Anything

Sitcom · Any · Irish · 1 minute

Cast: LIAMBRIDIE

A phone call, 7 a.m. BRIDIE, 79, in Cork, trying to ring her grandson. LIAM, 24, a stranger in Dublin, who picks up half asleep

LIAMHello?
BRIDIEConor, it's your nan. Did you eat anything?
LIAMSorry, I think you've the wrong number.
BRIDIEDon't be smart, Conor.
LIAMI'm not Conor. I'm Liam.
BRIDIESince when?
LIAMSince I was born?
BRIDIEWell, you sound like a Conor.
LIAMI'll take that as a compliment.
BRIDIEI wouldn't. Conor's a terrible eejit. He's after moving in with a girl who has a snake.
LIAMA snake?
BRIDIEIn the flat. A python. Called Gareth.
LIAMThat's a good name for a snake.
BRIDIEIt is not. It's a name for a dentist. Did you eat anything?
LIAMMe?
BRIDIEYes, you. Conor's not on the phone, is he?
LIAM...I had a biscuit.
BRIDIEA biscuit. At your age. Put on a pot of porridge.
LIAMI don't have any oats.
BRIDIEWhat kind of house has no oats?
LIAMA rented one?
BRIDIEGod help us. Right. If Conor rings you, tell him to eat something and keep the snake out of the bed.
LIAMWhy would Conor ring me?
BRIDIEWell, he's not ringing me. Liam, is it? Ring me Sunday. I'll see did you get oats.

Mostly Fine

Sitcom · Young adult (18-25) · Neutral American · 1 minute

Cast: JENHAILEY

A front hall, 11 p.m. JEN, 41, back from her first date night in two years. HAILEY, 18, the babysitter, who is being extremely calm about something

JENHow were they?
HAILEYGreat. Amazing. Angels.
JENReally?
HAILEYMostly.
JENWhat does mostly mean?
HAILEYSo, first: everyone is fine. That's the headline. Everyone is alive and in bed.
JENWhy would they not be alive?
HAILEYThey would. They are. I'm starting with the good news.
JENWhat's the bad news?
HAILEYThere's no bad news. There's just news. Owen has a new haircut.
JENHe's four.
HAILEYHe did it himself. With the craft scissors. It's mostly on the left. It's quite modern.
JENOh my God.
HAILEYAnd Lily gave the goldfish a bath.
JENThe goldfish lives in water.
HAILEYThat's what I told her. Warm water, though. With bubbles. He's fine. He's much cleaner. He seems confused.
JENIs that everything?
HAILEYOne more thing.
JENHailey.
HAILEYThey taught the parrot a word.
JENWe don't have a parrot.
HAILEYThe neighbours do. It lives by the fence.
JENWhat word?
HAILEYYou know what, the Hendersons will tell you. They seemed really keen to talk to you. So! How was your date?

The Fourth Alarm

Sitcom, roommates · Adult (25-40) · Neutral American · 1 minute

Cast: DEREKSANJAY

A shared apartment, 3 a.m. DEREK, 27, standing on a chair holding a broom. SANJAY, 29, in a bathrobe, very calm

SFX: a smoke alarm chirps

DEREKThere! Did you hear that?
SANJAYEveryone in the building heard that. The building across the street heard that.
DEREKIt's doing it every forty seconds. I've timed it. I've been timing it for an hour.
SANJAYWhy didn't you change the battery?
DEREKI can't find it! There are three smoke alarms. It's not any of them.
SANJAYThere's a fourth.
DEREK...There's a fourth?
SANJAYIn the closet. Above the vacuum. The landlord put it there for reasons known only to him.
DEREKWhy didn't you tell me?
SANJAYYou didn't ask. You just ran around shouting "where are you" at the ceiling.

SFX: chirp

DEREKI'm going to kill it.
SANJAYWith a broom?
DEREKWith whatever it takes.
SANJAYOr a nine-volt battery. Top drawer. Next to the takeout menus.
DEREKWe have batteries?
SANJAYI bought batteries two weeks ago. When it started.
DEREKIt started two weeks ago?
SANJAYIt's very quiet in the daytime. It likes an audience.
DEREKYou've been listening to this for two weeks?
SANJAYI sleep in earplugs.
DEREKThen how are you awake?
SANJAYYou're standing on my bed with a broom, Derek.

No Spoilers

Sitcom, workplace · Adult (25-40) · Australian · 1 minute

Cast: KIRSTYMEL

A work kitchen. KIRSTY, 32, who hasn't watched the season finale yet. MEL, 30, who watched it last night and is not coping

KIRSTYDon't.
MELI didn't say anything.
KIRSTYYour face said something.
MELMy face is neutral. This is my neutral face.
KIRSTYYour neutral face doesn't normally have tears in it.
MELHay fever. It's spring.
KIRSTYIt's June, Mel.
MELThe seasons are all over the place now.
KIRSTYI'm watching it tonight. I've bought snacks. I've told my family not to ring me. Just survive until five o'clock.
MELI can do that. I'm a professional. I'm a grown woman.
KIRSTYGood.
MELCan I say one thing?
KIRSTYNo.
MELIt's not a spoiler. It's a feeling.
KIRSTYFeelings are spoilers.
MELBring tissues.
KIRSTYMel!
MELThat could mean anything! People cry at weddings!
KIRSTYIs there a wedding?
MEL...I can't answer that.
KIRSTYWhy can't you answer that?
MELBecause I promised not to spoil it.
KIRSTYSo someone dies.
MELI didn't say that.
KIRSTYYou made a noise. You made a little dog noise.
MELThat was the kettle.
KIRSTYThe kettle's not on.
MEL...I'm going to go and sit in my car until five.

The Negotiator

Sketch · Adult (40-55) · Neutral American · 1 minute

Cast: CAROLGRAHAM

A dinner party. GRAHAM, 45, has locked himself in the host's bathroom. CAROL, 50, the host's sister, who "did a course", is negotiating through the door

CAROLGraham, this is Carol. I'm going to be talking to you today.
GRAHAMGo away, Carol.
CAROLI can't do that, Graham. I'm trained.
GRAHAMYou did a weekend course at a community center.
CAROLA weekend is two full days. Let's start with something easy. Are you hurt?
GRAHAMOnly emotionally.
CAROLThat's good. That's something we can work with. Is there anyone in there with you?
GRAHAMIt's a bathroom, Carol.
CAROLI have to ask. What happened?
GRAHAMI don't want to talk about it.
CAROLGraham, it's forty minutes to dessert, and I'd like you out for dessert.
GRAHAMI'm not coming out.
CAROLIs it the toilet?
GRAHAM...It's not not the toilet.
CAROLOkay. What are your demands?
GRAHAMA plunger. A new identity. A car to the airport.
CAROLI can do one of those.
GRAHAMWhich one?
CAROLThe plunger's under the sink, Graham. It's always under the sink. It's under every sink in America.
GRAHAM...Oh.
CAROLTake your time.
GRAHAMCarol. Nobody can know about this.
CAROLGraham, it's a small apartment. They've been listening for twenty minutes.

SFX: muffled applause from the dining room

Tell Me About Yourself

Sitcom, job interview · Any · Neutral American · 90 seconds

Cast: OKAFORTREVOR

An interview room. MS. OKAFOR, 48, head of HR, very calm. TREVOR, 26, the candidate, who has just realised she is the driver he cut off on the way here

OKAFORSo, Trevor. Tell me about yourself.
TREVORWell, I'm a people person. A team player. I believe in patience and consideration.
OKAFORConsideration.
TREVORFor others. Yes. Very important.
OKAFORDid you drive here, Trevor?
TREVOR...I took the bus.
OKAFORInteresting. There's a silver hatchback in the visitor space.
TREVORLots of people have silver hatchbacks. It's a popular color.
OKAFORWith a hula dancer bobblehead on the dashboard.
TREVORThat's a... cultural bobblehead.
OKAFORThe same hula dancer that danced at me when that hatchback cut me off on Maple Avenue at nine fifteen this morning.
TREVORWas that you?
OKAFORYou made a gesture, Trevor.
TREVORIt was a wave!
OKAFORIt was not a wave.
TREVORIt was a wave with some fingers down. I have arthritis. In those two specific fingers.
OKAFORLet's move on. Where do you see yourself in five years?
TREVORHonestly? Right now I see myself leaving through that door.
OKAFORThat's refreshingly honest.
TREVORIs it? Is honesty good? Is that a strength?
OKAFORIt's a start. What's your greatest weakness?
TREVORDriving, apparently.
OKAFOR...That's funny.
TREVORWas it? You're not smiling.
OKAFORI'm smiling on the inside. It's where I keep it. Last question. Why should we hire you?
TREVORBecause I'm late, I'm rude on the road, and I lied about the bus. But I have never, ever lied on a spreadsheet. My numbers are beautiful.
OKAFORThey are beautiful. I read your portfolio.
TREVORSo I'm hired?
OKAFORYou're on the shortlist. And Trevor. The lane merges on Maple. Everyone takes turns.
TREVOREveryone takes turns. Yes. I'm writing that down.

The Second Exit

Sketch · Any · Neutral British · 90 seconds

Cast: PEARCECHLOE

A small car on a driving test. MR. PEARCE, 58, examiner, who has not smiled since 1996. CHLOE, 18, on her fourth attempt, very nervous, very chatty

PEARCEWhen you're ready, move off.
CHLOEOkay. Mirror. Signal. Mirror again, because you can't be too careful. Hello, mirror. Blind spot. Nothing in the blind spot. Is there? No. Moving off.
PEARCEYou're still in neutral.
CHLOEI know. I was building suspense.
PEARCETake the next left.
CHLOELeft. The left one. The one on the left.
PEARCEThat is where left generally is.
CHLOESorry, I talk when I'm nervous. My instructor says I narrate. He says it's like driving with a nature documentary.
PEARCEThe limit here is thirty.
CHLOEI'm doing twenty-two.
PEARCEI'm aware. A pigeon overtook us.
CHLOEIt was a very fit pigeon. Can I ask you something?
PEARCEYou may not.
CHLOEDo you like your job?
PEARCEAt the roundabout, take the second exit.
CHLOEThat's a no. Oh God. A roundabout. I hate roundabouts. It's a circle of decisions.
PEARCESecond exit.
CHLOEFirst exit. Coming up to second exit. Taking second exit. Hello, second exit. We did it.
PEARCEYou went round twice.
CHLOEI was being thorough.
PEARCEPull over on the left when it's safe.
CHLOEIs this the end? Did I kill anyone? I don't think I killed anyone.
PEARCENobody died.
CHLOEI'll take that. Did I pass?
PEARCEYou had nine minor faults.
CHLOEIs that bad? What's the maximum?
PEARCEFifteen.
CHLOESo I passed?
PEARCE...You passed.
CHLOEI passed! Mr. Pearce! Can I hug you?
PEARCEYou may not.
CHLOECan I hug the car?
PEARCEThe car belongs to your mother. Do what you like.

Some Assembly Required

Sitcom, old couple · Mature (55+) · Southern US · 90 seconds

Cast: LORETTAHANK

A spare bedroom in Tennessee. HANK, 70, and LORETTA, 68, married forty-one years, assembling a flat-pack bookcase before their granddaughter's visit. It has been three hours

LORETTAThere's a picture of a little man. He's happy. Why is he happy, Hank?
HANKHe's happy because he's a drawing. Nobody asked him to find a dowel.
LORETTAStep six. "Insert dowel B into hole C."
HANKI don't have a B. I've got four A's and a thing shaped like a tooth.
LORETTAThe tooth is B.
HANKThen why'd they draw it round?
LORETTABecause it's round in Sweden, Hank.
HANKIt's not from Sweden. It's from a warehouse in Knoxville.
LORETTAWell, it wants to be from Sweden.
HANKHand me the hammer.
LORETTAIt says no hammer. There's a picture of a hammer with a line through it.
HANKThat's a suggestion.
LORETTAIt's a hammer in jail, Hank. That is not a suggestion.
HANKForty-one years, and I've never once seen you read the instructions for anything.
LORETTAI read them now because I've seen what happens when you don't.
HANKWhat's that supposed to mean?
LORETTAThe deck.
HANKThe deck was structurally sound.
LORETTAThe deck is in the neighbors' yard.
HANKPart of the deck.
LORETTAThe part with the grill on it.
HANK...It was a very strong wind.
LORETTAHoney, there are three screws left over.
HANKThose are spares.
LORETTAThe bag says "exactly twenty-four." We used twenty-one.
HANKThen they gave us too many. That's generous. That's hospitality.
LORETTAFrom Sweden.
HANKStand it up.
LORETTAYou stand it up.
HANKTogether, then. On three. One, two—

SFX: a slow creak, then a clatter

LORETTA...Well.
HANKIt's a very modern design.
LORETTAIt's a pile, Hank.
HANKKaylee's nineteen. She'll love a pile. Piles are very in right now.

Reply All

Sitcom, workplace · Adult (25-40) · Neutral American · 90 seconds

Cast: MARCUSPRIYA

An open-plan office. PRIYA, 29, frozen at her desk. MARCUS, 31, her deskmate, who has just received her email along with four hundred other people

MARCUSPriya.
PRIYADon't.
MARCUSPriya, did you just reply all—
PRIYAI'm aware of what I did, Marcus.
MARCUS—to the CEO's retirement announcement—
PRIYAIt was supposed to go to you. Just you.
MARCUS—with "Finally. Now we can get a real coffee machine."
PRIYAThe coffee machine is terrible. Everyone agrees.
MARCUSEveryone agrees privately. You agreed with four hundred people. Including the CEO. Who bought that coffee machine.
PRIYAHow do you know that?
MARCUSIt has a plaque on it. "Donated by Gordon, with love."
PRIYAOh no. I thought the plaque was a joke.
MARCUSThe plaque was not a joke. Nothing about that plaque is a joke.
PRIYACan I recall it? There's a recall button.
MARCUSThe recall button just sends everyone a second email saying "Priya would like to recall the message."
PRIYASo everyone who hadn't read it—
MARCUSWill now read it. With interest.
PRIYAI'm going to have to move to another country.
MARCUSHang on. Someone's replied. Linda from Accounts. A thumbs-up.
PRIYAWhat?
MARCUSDave from Legal. "Agreed." And someone from the warehouse: "Finally someone said it." Oh, it's happening.
PRIYAWhat's happening?
MARCUSA movement. Twenty replies. Someone's started a petition. It's named after you.
PRIYAOh God.
MARCUSWait. Gordon's replied.
PRIYAI'm going to be sick.
MARCUSHe says, "Fair point. The machine was my wife's idea. Don't tell her." And a coffee cup emoji.
PRIYA...He's funny?
MARCUSApparently. Nobody knew. It's been twenty years.
PRIYASo I'm not fired.
MARCUSYou're a hero. It's worse. Now they'll expect things from you.

She's Speaking French

Sitcom, family · Adult (25-40) · Irish · 90 seconds

Cast: CIARANMAM

A video call. CIARAN, 34, in London. His MAM, 66, in Galway, who has rung for help with her new tablet. He can see only her forehead

CIARANMam. Mam. I can only see your forehead.
MAMThat's the angle I like. It's very slimming.
CIARANTilt it down. Down. No, the other down.
MAMThere's only one down, Ciarán.
CIARANNow I'm looking at the ceiling. Is that a new light?
MAMYour father put it up. It flickers when the kettle's on. We've accepted it.
CIARANOkay. What's the problem?
MAMThe problem is it's talking to me. There's a woman in it. I asked your father what time Mass was, and she answered.
CIARANThat's the voice assistant. It's meant to do that.
MAMWell, she's very forward. She told me the weather without being asked.
CIARANYou probably asked by accident.
MAMI said, "Holy God, it's raining again." And she said, "It's currently twelve degrees and raining in Galway."
CIARANThat's helpful.
MAMThat's nosy. How does she know I'm in Galway?
CIARANIt uses your location.
MAMWell, I didn't tell her. Did you tell her?
CIARANI didn't tell her anything, Mam.
MAMSomebody did. Was it Bernadette next door? She tells everyone everything.
CIARANIt wasn't Bernadette.
MAMCan I turn her off?
CIARANYes. Go into settings. It's a little grey wheel.
MAMI've a little wheel. A cog, like. Pressing it. ...Oh.
CIARANWhat?
MAMNow she's speaking French.
CIARANHow did you... okay. Don't touch anything.
MAMShe's very polite in French. I think I prefer her.
CIARANI'm home at Christmas. I'll fix it then.
MAMGrand. We'll keep her till then. Your father's learning French off her.
CIARANHe's what?
MAMHe's got as far as "the cat is under the table." We haven't got a cat. But he's thrilled.

The Pharaoh's Curse

Sketch · Adult (30-45) · Neutral American · 90 seconds

Cast: DUSTINPHIL

An escape room called "The Pharaoh's Curse", twenty minutes left on the clock. PHIL, 44, an accountant, deadpan. DUSTIN, 31, extremely into it. They are strangers booked into the same slot

DUSTINThe hieroglyphs! Phil! The hieroglyphs are a code!
PHILThey're stickers.
DUSTINCoded stickers! Look. Bird, bird, eye, snake. That's four digits!
PHILOr it's a bird, a bird, an eye and a snake.
DUSTINYou have to open your mind, Phil. The Pharaoh doesn't give up his secrets to closed minds.
PHILThe Pharaoh is a mannequin in a wig from a party store. The price tag's still on.
DUSTINThat's what he wants you to think.
PHILHe wants me to think he cost nineteen ninety-nine?
DUSTINFifteen minutes! The sand is falling!
PHILThat's an egg timer.
DUSTINThe egg timer of destiny!
PHILI came here for my niece's birthday. She left. She said she'd be right back. That was forty minutes ago.
DUSTINShe was taken by the curse.
PHILShe was taken by a text from a boy named Tyler.
DUSTINOkay. The sarcophagus. There's a lock. Three digits. Think. What would a pharaoh choose?
PHILHis birthday.
DUSTINNobody knows a pharaoh's birthday, Phil!
PHILThen try one, two, three.
DUSTINThat's insulting to the pharaoh.
PHILTry it.
DUSTIN...One. Two. Three.

SFX: a click, and a creaking lid

DUSTINHow did you know?
PHILI'm an accountant. I've audited three of these places. Half the locks are one, two, three.
DUSTINWhat's inside?
PHILA key. And a laminated card: "Congratulations. You have escaped the curse. Please leave a review."
DUSTIN...That's it?
PHILThat's it.
DUSTINDo you want to do "The Haunted Submarine"? It's next door. It has a real periscope.
PHILDoes it.
DUSTINPlease, Phil. I came on my own. I always come on my own.
PHIL...One room. And I'm doing the locks.

Upgrade

Sketch, customer service · Adult (40-55) · Neutral American · 90 seconds

Cast: CRAIGDENISE

An airport gate desk. DENISE, 52, gate agent for twenty-six years. CRAIG, 35, a passenger trying to get upgraded to first class

CRAIGHi! Hello. Good morning. Love the scarf.
DENISEIt's the uniform.
CRAIGIt really works on you. Quick one. Any chance of an upgrade?
DENISEAre you a frequent flyer?
CRAIGI fly frequently. In my heart.
DENISEHow many times have you flown with us?
CRAIGCounting this one? One.
DENISEThen no.
CRAIGWhat if I told you it's my birthday?
DENISEMay I see your ID?
CRAIG...It's my birthday in spirit.
DENISEAny other reason?
CRAIGI'm on my honeymoon.
DENISEWhere's your wife?
CRAIGShe's meeting me there. It's a very modern marriage.
DENISEWhat's her name?
CRAIG...Denise.
DENISEThat's my name.
CRAIGWhat a coincidence! That's a sign.
DENISEIt's on my badge, sir.
CRAIGOkay. Full honesty. I'm six foot four. Economy legroom was designed for a garden gnome. Last flight I had my knees in my ears for five hours. The man in front reclined into my lap. We're still in touch.
DENISE...That's the first true thing you've said.
CRAIGIt is. And I'm sorry about the scarf. It's a lovely scarf. But it's the uniform, and I knew that.
DENISEI can't put you in first.
CRAIGI understand.
DENISEI can put you in an exit row. Extra legroom. You'd have to help people in an emergency.
CRAIGI'd be amazing in an emergency. I'm very calm under pressure.
DENISEYou've told me four lies in two minutes.
CRAIGThe lies were a warm-up.
DENISESeat fourteen C. And sir?
CRAIGYes?
DENISEHappy birthday.
CRAIG...It's not my birthday.
DENISEI know. Sarcasm is the only perk of the job.

The Butter Story

Sitcom, siblings · Adult (25-40) · Neutral American · 90 seconds

Cast: MEGANLUKE

A hotel room the night before their brother Tom's wedding. MEGAN, 33, the eldest, holding a printout. LUKE, 27, the best man, who wrote it

MEGANYou can't say this.
LUKEWhich part?
MEGANPage one. Page two. Most of page three.
LUKEPage four's good, though.
MEGANPage four is "Thank you, and please enjoy the chicken."
LUKEPeople like the chicken.
MEGAN"When Tom was twelve he got his head stuck in the banister and the fire department had to use butter."
LUKEThat's a classic. That's a crowd-pleaser.
MEGANRachel's grandmother is ninety-one, Luke. She thinks Tom is a doctor.
LUKEHe is a doctor.
MEGANShe thinks he's a dignified doctor. You're going to tell her about the butter.
LUKEIt was a lot of butter. Mom had to go to the store twice.
MEGANAnd what's this? "Tom and I share a special bond, because I'm the only one who knows what really happened in Cancún."
LUKEThat's a joke.
MEGANWhat happened in Cancún?
LUKENothing. That's the joke. Nothing happened. But everyone will wonder.
MEGANRachel will wonder. Rachel will wonder on her honeymoon.
LUKEFine. What do you want me to say?
MEGANSomething nice. Something true.
LUKEThat's harder.
MEGANWhy?
LUKEBecause if I say the true thing I'll cry, Meg. At a microphone.
MEGANWhat's the true thing?
LUKE...That when Dad left, Tom was sixteen, and he got a job at the car wash so I could still play Little League. And he never mentioned it. I only found out last year.
MEGANLuke.
LUKESee? That's not a joke. That's a disaster.
MEGANPut that on page one.
LUKEI'll cry.
MEGANThen you'll cry. And then you do the butter.
LUKEI can still do the butter?
MEGANAfter the crying, you can do the butter. People need relief.

Hedge Watch

Sketch · Mature (55+) · Scottish · 90 seconds

Cast: MORAGSHEILA

A parked car on a quiet Edinburgh street, 2 a.m. MORAG, 71, with binoculars. SHEILA, 68, with a flask and a tin of shortbread. Somebody has been cutting shapes into Morag's hedge

MORAGAnything?
SHEILAA fox. And a man walking a cat.
MORAGNobody walks a cat.
SHEILAThis man does. It had a wee harness. It looked mortified.
MORAGKeep your eyes on the hedge.
SHEILAI've had my eyes on the hedge since eleven. It's a hedge, Morag. It's no doing anything.
MORAGThat's what they want you to think.
SHEILAWho's they?
MORAGWhoever cut a swan into it on Tuesday.
SHEILAIt was a lovely swan.
MORAGIt was not asked for.
SHEILAAnd the dolphin on Thursday. You have to admit the dolphin was very good.
MORAGThe minister's wife asked me if I'd taken up topiary. At my age. With my wrists.
SHEILAShortbread?
MORAGIs it the good shortbread?
SHEILAIt's the shop shortbread.
MORAG...Go on, then.
SHEILAWait. Somebody's there. By the gate. With shears.
MORAGI've got them. Pass me the torch.
SHEILAMorag, it's Duncan.
MORAGDuncan? From number twelve?
SHEILAHow many Duncans do you think there are on this street?
MORAGHe's eighty. He's had a new hip.
SHEILAWell, it's working. Look at him go. What is that?
MORAG...It's a heart.
SHEILAHe's cutting a heart into your hedge.
MORAGOh.
SHEILAThe swan, Morag. The dolphin. You told the bowling club you liked dolphins.
MORAGThat was in April.
SHEILAHe's been working up to it. Are you going out?
MORAGAt two in the morning? In my rollers?
SHEILAHe's out in his hat with the bobble. It's the same commitment. Go on.
MORAGGive me the shortbread.
SHEILAWhat for?
MORAGYou can't go out to a man empty-handed.

Big Barbara

Sketch · Adult (25-40) · Neutral American · 90 seconds

Cast: RAYJO

A kitchen table covered in hand-drawn maps. RAY, the mastermind, very serious. JO, the crew, who has questions. The target: a prize-winning pumpkin at the county fair

RAYMidnight. We go in over the fence behind the goat pen.
JOWhy the goat pen?
RAYBlind spot. No cameras.
JOThere's a goat.
RAYThe goat's not a security measure, Jo.
JOHave you met a goat? My cousin got headbutted into a creek.
RAYFine. We bring a carrot.
JOFor the goat, or for us?
RAYFor the goat! Stage two. We enter the Giant Vegetable Tent.
JOThe what tent?
RAYThe Giant Vegetable Tent. It's in capitals on the map.
JOI wrote "big veg."
RAYWrite it properly! This is a professional operation. We locate the target.
JOBig Barbara.
RAYWe don't call the target Big Barbara.
JOIt's on her sign. "Big Barbara. Eight hundred and twelve pounds. Grown by Earl Denton."
RAYWe don't use her name. It makes it personal.
JOHow do we move her?
RAYWhat?
JOShe's eight hundred pounds. How do we get her over the fence?
RAY...We roll her.
JOOver a fence?
RAYThrough the gate.
JOThe gate's locked.
RAYI thought we were going over the fence!
JOWe are! You are. I'm not rolling a pumpkin the size of a hatchback over a fence, Ray.
RAYFine. We don't take her. We just swap the ribbon.
JOOnto what?
RAYMy pumpkin.
JOYour pumpkin is the size of a grapefruit.
RAYShe's got heart!
JORay. Is this about Earl?
RAYNine years in a row, Jo. Nine years. I talk to my pumpkin every morning. I play her jazz.
JOMaybe try classical.
RAY...You think?
JOBarbara's clearly a Mozart girl.

The Milkmaid's Pail

Sketch · Adult (40-55) · Neutral British · 90 seconds

Cast: NIGELBEV

A dark alley in York, the last stop on a ghost walk. NIGEL, 50, the guide, in a cape, trying very hard. BEV, 55, the only customer tonight, a sceptic

NIGELAnd here, in this very alley, in the year sixteen forty-four, a young milkmaid was lost to the plague.
BEVWhat was she doing in an alley?
NIGEL...Milking.
BEVIn the town centre?
NIGELThere were cows everywhere back then. It was a very cow-based economy. And they say that on moonless nights you can still hear her calling.
BEVCalling what?
NIGEL"Where is my pail?"
BEVHer pail.
NIGELShe lost her pail. It's a very sad story.
BEVIt's a very specific story.
NIGELListen. Do you hear that?
BEVThat's a bus.
NIGELIt's her. Wailing across the centuries.
BEVIt's the number four.
NIGELMadam, I've been doing this tour for thirty years—
BEVAnd how many ghosts have you seen?
NIGEL...Personally?
BEVPersonally.
NIGELWell, not as such. But my colleague Keith saw a shadow in 2009.
BEVWhere's Keith now?
NIGELAccounting. He said the shadow turned out to be his own.
BEVThat's a better ghost story than the milkmaid.
NIGELIt's a Tuesday in November. You're the only one who booked. My feet are soaked. Why are you here?
BEVMy husband took me on this tour on our first date. Thirty years ago. The guide was a young man in a cape with very wet feet, who told us about a milkmaid who'd lost her pail.
NIGEL...That was my first year.
BEVYou were terrible then, too. He laughed all the way home.
NIGELWhere's your husband now?
BEVHe died in March. He'd have wanted to know if you were still going.
NIGELOh.
BEVTell me about the pail again. Properly. With the voice.
NIGELRight. Yes. In the year sixteen forty-four...

The Swan Lamp

Sitcom, siblings · Adult (40-55) · Neutral American · 90 seconds

Cast: PAULMIKE

Their late parents' attic in Ohio. MIKE, 52, and PAUL, 49, dividing up the contents. They have reached the lamp: a ceramic swan with a shade on its back

PAULYou take it.
MIKENo, you take it.
PAULMom wanted you to have it.
MIKEMom never said that.
PAULShe said it with her eyes. Every Thanksgiving.
MIKEPaul, that lamp is the ugliest object in the state of Ohio. It has teeth.
PAULSwans don't have teeth.
MIKEThis one does. Look at it. It's smiling. Swans shouldn't smile.
PAULOkay. We flip for it.
MIKEFine. Heads you take it, tails I don't.
PAULThat's the same thing.
MIKEIs it? Are you sure?
PAULYes, Mike. You did that when I was eight and I lost my bike.
MIKEYou were a very trusting child.
PAULWe could donate it.
MIKETo who? Who'd take it?
PAULA museum. Of fear.
MIKEMom loved that lamp.
PAULI know. She bought it on their honeymoon. Dad said it was their first fight.
MIKEWho won?
PAULWell. It's here, isn't it?
MIKE...She used to turn it on when we were out late. So we'd know she was waiting up. I'd come up the drive and see the swan in the window.
PAULMe too. I hated that swan. I was so glad to see it.
MIKEOkay. Joint custody.
PAULSix months each?
MIKEYou get it first.
PAULWhy me first?
MIKEI'm older. I'm tired. And it's looking at you.
PAULIt is not.
MIKEIt is. It's smiling at you, Paul.
PAUL...Fine. But it goes in the window.
MIKEObviously it goes in the window.

Enzo

Sketch, deadpan vs manic · Adult (30-45) · Neutral American · 2 minutes

Cast: REYESBOONE

An unmarked car outside a florist's shop. DETECTIVE REYES, 44, twenty years on the job, deadpan. DETECTIVE BOONE, 32, on his first stakeout, who has taken the cover story very seriously

REYESWhat are you wearing?
BOONEIt's my cover.
REYESYour cover is "man in a car."
BOONEMy cover is Enzo. Enzo is a retired Italian yacht designer who's come to this town to rediscover love.
REYESAnd the mustache?
BOONEEnzo has always had the mustache.
REYESIt's coming off on the left.
BOONEEnzo's been through a lot.
REYESBoone, nobody's going to look in the car. That's the point of a stakeout. We sit, we watch, we eat gas station sandwiches, we go home.
BOONEAnd if they do look? If the suspect walks right up to this window? Then what are you, "woman in a car"?
REYESYes.
BOONEThat's not a character.
REYESIt's my whole life, Boone.
BOONEI've given Enzo a backstory. He lost his wife, Isabella, in a sailing accident off Capri.
REYESPlease stop.
BOONEHe blames himself. He built the boat.
REYESThat's dark.
BOONEHe's a complex man.
REYESMovement. Shop door. Guy in a gray jacket.
BOONEIs that him?
REYESThat's him. Get down.
BOONEEnzo doesn't hide. Enzo faces the storm.
REYESEnzo needs to get down before he blows three months of work.
BOONEOkay. Enzo is getting down.
REYESHe's coming this way.
BOONEShould I talk to him? I've got the accent ready.
REYESDon't do the accent.
BOONEIt's a very good accent.
REYESDo not do the accent.

SFX: a knock on the car window

REYES...He's knocking.
BOONEWhat do we do?
REYESRoll it down. Say nothing.

SFX: a window rolling down

BOONEBuongiorno.
REYESI told you—
BOONEHe's asking if we're lost. He's... oh, he's lovely. He's asking if I'm all right. Because of the mustache.
REYESTell him you're fine.
BOONEHe's giving me a flower. A carnation. He says it's "for Isabella."
REYESHow does he know about Isabella?
BOONEI might have mouthed it.
REYESYou mouthed "Isabella" at a suspect?
BOONEHe's welling up. He lost someone too, he says. Reyes, I think Enzo's made a friend.
REYESBoone.
BOONEHe's invited me to dinner. Thursday. Should I go?
REYES...Yes. Wear a wire.
BOONEEnzo would wear a cravat.
REYESWear both.

Notes from the Studio

Sketch · Adult (40-55) · Neutral American · 2 minutes

Cast: DOUGKAREN

A television studio office. DOUG, 40, a writer pitching his dream show. KAREN, 45, the executive, who has heard four hundred pitches this year and would like to get to lunch

DOUGOkay. Picture this. A world where—
KARENNo "picture this." Just tell me.
DOUGRight. A world where dogs can talk.
KARENDone. There are nine of those.
DOUGBut only one dog. And only on Tuesdays.
KARENWhy Tuesdays?
DOUGNobody knows. It's a mystery. That's season two.
KARENWhat does the dog say?
DOUGMostly complaints. He's very disappointed in his owner. He's like a dad.
KARENWho's the owner?
DOUGA divorced man, forty, lives in a van, wants to be a jazz drummer.
KARENThat's you.
DOUGIt's not me.
KARENYou mentioned your van in the lobby. Twice.
DOUGIt's inspired by me. Loosely. So the dog, Biscuit—
KARENWe can't call him Biscuit.
DOUGWhy not?
KARENResearch did a survey. Food names are testing badly for dogs this year.
DOUGThat's insane.
KARENI don't make the rules. Can he be Colonel?
DOUGColonel?
KARENColonel tests very well. It has authority.
DOUGHe's a small terrier.
KARENThen it's ironic. Irony tests well with the young ones.
DOUGFine. So Colonel, on Tuesdays—
KARENCan it be every day?
DOUGThe whole point is Tuesdays.
KARENNobody knows what day it is anymore, Doug. I don't know. What day is it?
DOUGThursday.
KARENSee, I'd have said Monday. Every day. And can the dog be a cat?
DOUGWhat?
KARENCats are cheaper to animate. They move less.
DOUGSo it's a talking cat that talks every day.
KARENThat's a hit.
DOUGThat's nothing! That's a cat! What about the jazz drummer?
KARENCan he be a surgeon?
DOUGWhy would he be a surgeon?
KARENPeople love hospital shows. Handsome surgeon, talking cat, no van.
DOUGYou've taken out everything.
KARENI've taken out everything that doesn't work.
DOUGThat's everything I love.
KARENThat's usually the same list. Welcome to television.
DOUG...Can I keep Tuesdays?
KARENOne episode. Called "Tuesday." The cat is silent all day, and nobody knows why.
DOUGThat's... actually beautiful.
KARENI know. I've been doing this for twenty years. I'm not a monster. Now get out. I have lunch.
DOUGCan I call the cat Biscuit?
KARENDon't push it.

Nobody Read the Book

Sitcom · Mature (55+) · Neutral American · 2 minutes

Cast: JOYCEELAINE

A kitchen, five minutes before book club. JOYCE, 66, and ELAINE, 70, best friends for thirty years. Neither of them has read the book

JOYCEDid you read it?
ELAINEOf course I read it.
JOYCEWhat happens?
ELAINE...Things.
JOYCEElaine.
ELAINEI read the first page three times. Every night. Then I woke up with it on my face.
JOYCEI didn't get that far. I used it as a coaster.
ELAINEOkay. We've got five minutes. What do we know?
JOYCEIt's called "The Salt Orchard."
ELAINEGood. That's a start.
JOYCEThere's a woman on the cover. Looking at the sea.
ELAINESo there's a woman. And the sea.
JOYCEAnd she's sad. You can tell from the back of her head.
ELAINEThey're always sad on the cover. Nobody puts a happy woman looking at the sea. She'd turn around.
JOYCEWhat if Margaret asks us something?
ELAINEMargaret always asks. Margaret reads everything twice with a pencil.
JOYCEWhat do we say?
ELAINEThings that are true about any book. Watch. "I thought the ending was earned."
JOYCEOoh.
ELAINE"The sea was almost a character."
JOYCEThat's good. Is the sea a character?
ELAINEThe sea is always a character, Joyce. That's the rule. Anything on the cover is a character.
JOYCE"I found the mother very complicated."
ELAINEIs there a mother?
JOYCEThere's always a mother.
ELAINEThat's true. There's always a complicated mother.
JOYCEWhat if she asks for our favorite part?
ELAINEThen you say, "I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't finished."
JOYCEEveryone's finished.
ELAINENot everyone. Us.
JOYCEThat's clever.
ELAINEI've been doing this for eleven years.
JOYCEEleven years? You've never read one?
ELAINEI read the one about the dog. I cried for a week. Never again.

SFX: a doorbell

JOYCEThat's them. Oh God. I'm sweating.
ELAINEBreathe. The sea was a character.
JOYCEThe sea was a character. The mother was complicated.
ELAINEAnd the ending was earned.
JOYCEElaine. What if there's no mother?
ELAINEThen we say her absence was a presence.
JOYCE...You're a genius.
ELAINEI know. Open the door. And hide the coaster.

Chapel B

Sitcom · Adult (25-40) · Neutral American · 2 minutes

Cast: SIMONNATE

The back row of a chapel. NATE, 29, and SIMON, 31, strangers, both slightly late. The service has just begun

SIMONDid you know him well?
NATEPretty well. Family friend. Uncle Walt.
SIMONWalt?
NATEYeah. Walter.
SIMONThis is Gerald.
NATEWhat?
SIMONThe photo. By the flowers. That's Gerald. Gerald Hoffman. He was my landlord.
NATEThat's not Walt.
SIMONThat's what I'm saying.
NATEWalt had a beard.
SIMONGerald did not have a beard. Gerald had a very particular toupee. There it is. That's the toupee.
NATEOh no. Where's Walt?
SIMONIs there another chapel?
NATEThere's a Chapel B. I thought this was B.
SIMONThis is A. It says A on the door. In gold.
NATEI didn't look at the door. I followed a sad man in a hat.
SIMONThat's everyone at a funeral.
NATEI'm going to have to leave.
SIMONYou can't leave now. They're doing the reading. Everyone will turn around.
NATEI'm going to miss Walt.
SIMONYou're going to miss Walt anyway. That's how funerals work.
NATEThat's dark.
SIMONSorry. I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable.
NATEYou're not the one at the wrong funeral.
SIMONI'm at the funeral of a man who kept my deposit over a blind I didn't break. I'm plenty uncomfortable.
NATEThen why did you come?
SIMONHonestly? To make sure.
NATE...That's darker.
SIMONI know. I'm working on it.

SFX: the organ swells

NATEThey want us to stand.
SIMONStand. Just do what everyone does.
NATEThey're singing. I don't know this hymn.
SIMONNobody knows the hymn. Move your mouth and look moved.
NATEThis is the worst day of my life.
SIMONIt's definitely not the worst day of Gerald's.
NATEStop.
SIMONSorry. Listen. After this there are sandwiches in the hall. We slip out, you find Chapel B, you catch the end for Walt.
NATEAnd you?
SIMONI'm staying for the sandwiches. He owes me four hundred dollars. I'm taking it out in egg salad.

Day 142

Sitcom, sci-fi · Adult (30-45) · Neutral American · 2 minutes

Cast: VOSSPARK

A research station in orbit, day 142 of a year-long mission. COMMANDER VOSS, by the book. ENGINEER PARK, who has not done the dishes

VOSSPark. We need to talk about the chore wheel.
PARKCommander, we're in space. We are four hundred kilometers above the Earth. Surely there are bigger issues.
VOSSThere are no bigger issues. There's a fork floating in the observation module.
PARKThat's not my fork.
VOSSIt has your initials on it.
PARKAnyone could write my initials on a fork.
VOSSIn your handwriting? With the little star over the K?
PARK...It's a common star.
VOSSIt is day one hundred and forty-two. You have done the dishes twice.
PARKDishes are complicated up here. Water doesn't behave. It goes into a ball. It chases you.
VOSSIt does not chase you.
PARKIt chased me into the airlock, Commander.
VOSSBecause you tried to rinse a pot with a sneeze.
PARKI was improvising. It's what they trained us for.
VOSSThey trained us for hull breaches.
PARKAnd that pot was a hull breach waiting to happen. There's chili on it from March.
VOSSWhose chili?
PARK...Also mine. But it was a very good chili.
VOSSPark. We have six more months up here. Just us and a robot arm. I'd like to spend them in a clean station.
PARKWhat if we made the chore wheel more fun?
VOSSIt's a chore wheel. It's not supposed to be fun.
PARKWhat if there were prizes?
VOSSLike what?
PARKThe winner gets the window for the sunrise.
VOSSWe get sixteen sunrises a day.
PARKSo loads of prizes! Everybody wins!
VOSSEverybody winning isn't a prize.
PARKOkay. Then the loser takes the Friday call with Mission Control.
VOSS...I hate the Friday call.
PARKEveryone hates the Friday call. Gary does the thing where he reads out the budget.
VOSSFor forty minutes.
PARKWith slides. In space.
VOSSFine. The loser takes the Friday call.
PARKDeal.
VOSSAnd you start today. The fork.
PARKI can't reach it. It's in the corner.
VOSSPark. We're weightless. Everything is reachable.
PARKNot emotionally.
VOSSGet the fork.

Happy Sixtieth, Dan

Sitcom, siblings · Young adult (18-25) · Neutral American · 2 minutes

Cast: AVALEO

A dark living room. Twins AVA and LEO, 19, crouched behind the sofa for their dad's sixtieth surprise party. Thirty guests are hiding elsewhere. The car has just pulled up

AVAHe's here. Everybody, shh!
LEOI am shh-ing. I'm the most shh person in this room.
AVAYou're breathing like a horse.
LEOI'm nervous! I'm a nervous breather!
AVAWhere's the banner?
LEOIt's up. On the wall.
AVAWhich wall?
LEOThe one he'll see first. By the door.
AVALeo. Did you check the spelling?
LEOOf course I checked the spelling. It's "Happy Sixtieth." I've been spelling "happy" since I was four.
AVARead it to me.
LEOI can't read it, it's dark.
AVAUse your phone.
LEOIf I use my phone he'll see the light!
AVACover it with your hand.
LEO...Okay. "Happy Sixtieth, Dad." Good. Good. Oh.
AVAWhat?
LEOIt says "Happy Sixtieth, Dan."
AVAWho's Dan?
LEONobody's Dan! There is no Dan! I told the guy on the phone "Dad" and he wrote "Dan"!
AVAYou didn't check it when you picked it up?
LEOIt was rolled up! It was very tightly rolled!
AVAOkay. Fine. Nobody will notice. Everyone will be shouting.
LEOMrs. Kowalski will notice. She notices everything. She'll say "Who's Dan?" at the cake.

SFX: keys in the front door

AVAHe's at the door.
LEOI'm going to fix it. I can make the N a D. With tape. I've got tape!
AVAWhy do you have tape on you?
LEOI always carry tape! It's my thing!
AVAThat is not your thing. Since when is that your thing?
LEOSince today! Hold the phone! No light! Some light!

SFX: the door opens; a light switch clicks

AVASurprise!
LEOSurprise!
AVA...Dad?
LEOWhy's he laughing?
AVAHe's pointing at the banner.
LEOOh no.
AVAHe's saying... Leo, he's saying his friends at work call him Dan.
LEOWhat?
AVAIt's a work thing. Since the eighties. Now they're all yelling "Dan!"
LEOSo I got it right?
AVAYou got it right by accident.
LEOI'd like that on the record. I'd like that announced at the cake.
AVAPut the tape away.
LEONever. It's my thing now.

I Brake for Tubas

Sketch · Adult (40-55) · Neutral British · 3 minutes

Cast: GILESFENWICK

The lost property office at a London railway terminus. MRS. FENWICK, 58, clerk for thirty years, unhurried. GILES, 42, who left something on the 8:14 from Reading and needs it back before a very important evening

GILESHello! Hi. I've lost something. On the eight fourteen from Reading.
FENWICKEveryone's lost something. That's why the door says Lost Property.
GILESYes. Right. It's quite urgent.
FENWICKIt always is. Name?
GILESGiles Ashworth.
FENWICKItem?
GILESA violin case. Black. Old. With a sticker that says "I brake for tubas."
FENWICK...Let's have a look.

SFX: a heavy ledger opening

FENWICKThe eight fourteen from Reading. Umbrella. Umbrella. Umbrella. Single shoe.
GILESJust the one shoe?
FENWICKWe get a lot of single shoes. I've never understood it. How do you get off a train and not notice?
GILESNo idea.
FENWICKI have theories. Prosthetic leg, with a sandal on it.
GILESA leg?
FENWICKNobody's claimed it. I think whoever it belongs to is managing without.
GILESI really do need the violin.
FENWICKYou a musician?
GILESNo. Well, yes. Tonight. I'm proposing. At a restaurant. My girlfriend plays in an orchestra. I've been learning her favourite piece for eight months. In my car.
FENWICKIn your car.
GILESThe walls at home are very thin. The neighbours thought someone was strangling a cat.
FENWICKAnd the ring?
GILESIn the case. In the little compartment where the rosin goes.
FENWICKYou put the ring in the violin case, and then you lost the violin case.
GILESI'm aware of the sequence, yes.
FENWICKCarrying on. Umbrella. A goose.
GILESA goose?
FENWICKLive. Very angry. He's in the back office with Derek. Derek's not happy either.
GILESHow does a goose get on a train?
FENWICKSame as you. Somebody lets him. Umbrella. A wedding cake. Three tiers.
GILESSomeone left a wedding cake?
FENWICKWith the little couple on top. We ate the bottom tier. Perishables after four hours, it's the rule.
GILESThat's terrible!
FENWICKIt was lemon. Very good. And here we are. One violin case. Black. "I brake for tubas."
GILESOh, thank God.
FENWICKI just need you to prove it's yours.
GILESI told you what it looks like.
FENWICKI've just read it out. Anyone could say "I brake for tubas."
GILESWhy would anyone say that who didn't have to?
FENWICKI've had people claim the goose, sir. What's in the little compartment?
GILESA ring. Gold. A small sapphire.
FENWICKCould be anyone's.
GILESIt's engraved! It says "C, will you." Just that. They ran out of room.
FENWICKWill you what?
GILESThe rest was going to cost another forty pounds!
FENWICK...That's yours.
GILESYes!
FENWICKOne more thing.
GILESWhat?
FENWICKPlay it.
GILESHere?
FENWICKYou've practised eight months. Play me a bit. Then I'll know it's yours, and I'll know she's in for a nice evening and not a strangled cat.
GILESI'm not very good.
FENWICKThirty years in this office. Nobody's ever played me anything. Go on.

SFX: a violin, hesitant and scratchy, begins a tune

FENWICK...Keep going.
GILESIs it all right?
FENWICKIt's dreadful. Keep going.

SFX: the violin wobbles on

FENWICKStop. Stop. That'll do. Awful, and lovely. She'll say yes.
GILESYou think?
FENWICKNobody learns something that badly for eight months for someone they don't love. She'll hear that. Now go. And take the goose.
GILESThe goose isn't mine!
FENWICKIt is now. Derek can't take any more.

Fifty Years and a Hat

Sitcom, old couple · Mature (55+) · Neutral American · 3 minutes

Cast: DOTRON

A nice restaurant. RON, 72, and DOT, 70, married fifty years today. Ron booked the table. Dot suspects he has no idea why

DOTSo. Why are we here, Ronald?
RONFor dinner.
DOTWe have dinner every night. At home. In front of the quiz show.
RONTonight we're having it in front of other people. It's good for us.
DOTYou hate other people.
RONI hate most other people. I've made an exception for the waiter. He called me "young man."
DOTHe calls everybody that. He called the woman at table six "young man."
RONWell, she seemed pleased.
DOTRonald. What day is it?
RONThursday.
DOTThe date.
RON...The fourteenth.
DOTOf?
RONJune, Dot. The birds are going crazy.
DOTAnd what happened on the fourteenth of June?
RONIs this a quiz? Are we doing the quiz show here?
DOTYou're doing it. I'm the host.
RONOkay. The fourteenth of June. Is it the day we got the dog?
DOTWe got the dog in October.
RONThe day the dog died?
DOTThe dog is asleep under our kitchen table. The dog is fine.
RONThe day your mother came to live with us?
DOTThat was a Tuesday in February, and you know it was, because you went and slept in the car.
RONFor three nights. It was very peaceful. Okay. Last guess.
DOTLast guess.
RONIs it the day I asked the prettiest girl at the Legion dance to hold my hat, because I needed both hands to ask her to dance, and she held on to it for fifty years and never gave it back?
DOT...That was March.
RONThat was March. I know. The fourteenth of June is the day she stood up at Saint Anne's in her sister's borrowed dress, said "I do," and then sneezed. On the priest.
DOTI did not sneeze on the priest.
RONFather Mulroney. He wiped his glasses. It's in the photo.
DOTIt is not in the photo.
RONIt's in the photo. It's in my wallet. Look.
DOT...Oh, my Lord. Look at his face.
RONLook at your face.
DOTI look like a child.
RONYou were twenty. You look like the best thing that ever happened to a man who couldn't dance.
DOTYou still can't dance.
RONI know. I've booked the band anyway. They're playing our song at nine.
DOTWhat's our song?
RONDorothy.
DOTWhat?
RONWhat's our song? Go on. Quiz show. What's our song?
DOTIt's... it's the one with the...
RONFifty years.
DOTDon't you dare.
RONI'm going to savor this.
DOTIt's the one they played at the Legion. With the trumpet.
RONThey all had a trumpet. It was 1975.
DOTRon.
RONI'll give you a clue. It's about the moon.
DOTThey're all about the moon!
RONThat's true. It was a very moon-based time.
DOTFine. I don't know. You win.
RONI win.
DOTWhat do you want?
RONSame as always. You keep the hat. And one dance at nine.
DOTYou'll step on me.
RONI'll step on you. It's tradition. Happy anniversary, Dot.
DOTHappy anniversary. ...Is it the one about the moon over the river?
RONNot even close. Eat your soup.

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